An African's Queen

Observations of an African Man's Western Woman

A Different Reaction to Anger

It’s how he thinks and reacts to me that makes my African man so different from any man, white or other, that I’ve dated. Having been away for three days Sanni & I spent all day yesterday together lounging and watching Nigerian movies we’d downloaded from YouTube. It was a lovely day of nothingness that we were going to tap off by going to get ice cream at our favorite riverside ice creamery.

The change in me was immediate. I showered and upon getting out my mood was the polar opposite. It was as though a black cloud suddenly encompassed me. I felt fear and felt something bad was going to happen. I was sad, angry, depressed and in pain all at once and yet had no explanation for any of it. This was so immediate I could do nothing but react. I got undressed and got back into bed all the while Sanni watched in silent shock.

He left me. He didn’t comfort me. He didn’t try to coax me to feel better. He just let me be alone. It was all he could do to really be there for me.

An hour later I woke up, my mind feeling free; I called to him. I could not see any anger or frustration that I knew he must have felt earlier. I apologised and explained that I didn’t know what came over me.

He told me, “it happens like that sometimes.” He went on to explain that sometimes we do not need to explain sudden changes in mood but we do need to accept that everything has a purpose and that we’ll never know if his God worked through me to prevent us from going out and in turn prevented something horrible happening.

He told me that although he was initially angry he didn’t let the negative thoughts grow, instead he looked for a reason and from this he taught me to see not what is directly in front of us but what is pushing the path clear.

He likened the experience to the Nigerian movie Living in Tears that we’d watched earlier and explained that like the man we can sometimes get possessed by something other than ourselves. In the movie this possession was negative and caused by greed but here he reasoned that what looked negative had a positive outcome, irrespective of knowing what the alternative would’ve been.

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2 thoughts on “A Different Reaction to Anger

  1. I fear that you are going to get burned. I had several relationships with African men when I was in the Peace Corps and subsequent to then. During the times I was involved with them, they were the best relationships I’d ever had, but when they ended they ended with so much pain and the realization that betrayal and deceit can often be committed in what in hindsight is such an apparent way because love really does blind.

    I will spare the details of most of the failures I’ve had in my relationships with African men, only to say that the final straw occurred when I discovered that my traveling fiance who fathered my daughter had two wives and five children. The other incidences were different, but also involved an equally shocking type of betrayal.

    I have shared my experiences with other western women who live or have lived in Africa, and almost all of us who have dated or had LTRs with African men long enough have sadly had the same experiences. Yet there is something about African men that cause us to keep going back.

    I still love and am attracted to African men. I’ve found the very type of loving and warmth that you describe from every single one of my partners. I am not physically attracted to white western men men or other men, and also have never found a white man or man of another race who offers anything close to what African men do in terms of affection and gentlemanliness. Periodically I do date white western men only because it is refreshing at times to be with someone who gets and can share obscure cultural references from my youth. But otherwise I prefer African men.

    Why does it have to be so painful? What gives them license to act as if they are loving you but are simultaneously betraying you? Any thoughts?


    • Sarah, I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced such pain and betrayal. And yes, I am aware of what these rather unique men can do. I met many who were both amazing and conniving at the same time and I thank the strength of communication between Sanni & I in the hope that I never experience the pain you’ve gone through. What I’ve learned (and continue to learn) is that there is this ideology of the ‘promised land’ by being with a white woman and unfortunately it’s about weeding out these opportunistic men for the few that don’t actually need you but love you all the same. Good luck!



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